Who’s afraid of talking work-life balance? Ahem, men
Get up Dad and say something!
Jonathan Prial is still unusual. He’s a top exec, a dad and a vocal advocate in his company, on his blog BalancedBits and in his personal life of the need for more work and family balance … and for lots more discussion on its importance by men as well as women.
In this guest post, he asks why men aren’t more involved in the discussion over ways to improve work/life balance. Here’s his take:
Social media is embraced by males and females alike.
Yet, when it comes to the topic of work-life balance, I wonder where all the men are?
Most of the dialog seems to be led by women. It’s hard to tell if men are absent, lurking (in an Internet sense, not a creepy sense), or just reluctant to engage.
Callie Yost wrote an excellent piece for Fast Company . She cited the film “Up in the Air” and provided great insights about work-life choices. Remarkably, she later tweeted: “Wondering – In ‘Up in the Air’ a man faces work+life fit crisis, yet all but one response to post from women. Why?”
Ironically, while on a plane I read that Tweet. In offline mode, I was unable to link to her article in order to post something profound to represent my gender. Instead, I thought about an e-mail exchange I had with Julie Power at Moms to Work.
Julie wondered if and how work-life-family ideas could be instilled in boys at an early age. It’s the right question. Seeds of thought, when planted early on, provide a strong foundation that supports continuing growth. I had to smile as I remembered how excited I was when I wrote about a rise in the number of men attending a work-life class in the Stanford MBA program. That’s growth and progress, but a limited audience.
Progress takes generations
Attitudes and behaviors are formulated from life’s experiences, and they evolve. But for meaningful societal change to occur, a critical mass must be reached and then steadily cultivated. Patience and endurance are required as it can take generations. For example, look at how long it has taken for civil rights to become part of our national fabric. We still have a long way to go, but each generation improves. A twenty-something in my family was stunned when a neighbor, two generations her senior, came collecting money “so we can give a Christmas gift to that colored fellow who does the gardening.” Two different generations, two completely different attitudes, each shaped by the prevalent social circumstances of their formative years.
“How do we adjust for today’s dual income family structure, especially since the notion that most women should stay at home isn’t completely gone? When are these ideas formed? Early on.”
Programs like “Mad Men” remind us of the stereotypical husband at work and wife at home. So, how do we adjust for today’s dual income family structure, especially since the notion that most women should stay at home isn’t completely gone? When are these ideas formed? Early on.
My mother stopped working when her first child was born. On the other hand, my wife’s mother had a career throughout her life. This led to an exciting exchange early in our marriage as we discussed our own childcare plans. I clearly didn’t start out all that enlightened, but quickly got there.
Both my wife and I have careers. On the home-front, my wife has always cooked — she likes it, is good at it and gets a deep sense of satisfaction in knowing that we, her family, enjoy and appreciate the fruits of her labor. Our enjoyment is her success.
Me? I do the dishes because it is my turn to work in the kitchen. I get my satisfaction when I see her relaxing or working just as I did while she was cooking. Her enjoyment is my success. Our evening routine is one of fairness and balance that keeps the house and family running smoothly.
However, work-life balance isn’t about enforcing the distribution of chores to make sure everyone is “even.” Life is too dynamic for that. It is about arriving at a mutually agreeable partnership that balances the load and fosters harmony. And then, being flexible. This is work-life 101, the starting point which all children need to observe and build upon.
What should we teach our children? It’s not just about woman’s rights or family structures. For me, it is to subtly teach (by words and example) a sense of fairness, because treating all people fairly and respectfully fosters balance.
We all work through choices — jobs and careers; childcare decisions; choosing who does what in this spectrum. The only way these decisions truly work is when they are rooted in a mutual respect that breaks the stereotypes of prior generations’ thinking.
It’s time to get started. It’s only fair.
Info: Jon is an executive in a large IT firm and has long been an advocate for work-life issue within his company. His greatest satisfaction as a mentor and manager is in helping people grow their careers, especially how that gets done in the context of the challenges outside of work. He blogs at http://balancedbits.com.
Photo courtesy Flickr Creative Commons license. Photo by AnyJazz65.
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Filed Under: Featured • Managing Your Career • Work Family Balance
About the Author: Julie Power is a writer and editor with experience in both the United States and Australia. After living in the United States for 16 years, she recently returned to live in Sydney with her husband and twin boys (9 years old).
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Men may not be speaking out about work life balance, as Jonathan points out in his excellent blog. But we’d like to sing the praises of the men in an area that might just surprise you! We recently conducted an international study of women entrepreneurs on work life balance, including a question on which factor most helped these women achieve life work balance. The #1 choice was their life partner! They used to say that behind every successful man, there was a woman. So is the reverse becoming true, too?
The other great point Jonathan makes—it’s not about ‘even’ distribution of tasks—also resonates with our survey results. We’re now leading the Ban the Balance movement because so many successful ‘balancers’ said the image conjured by the word ‘balance’ made people think all life parts had to be equal. We like ‘life work flow’ but that doesn’t quite cut it! The #1 strategy for women ‘balancers’ was their mindset. And having flexibility, as Jonathan points out, was also vital. The free e-white paper with all the strategies is available at http://www.NewNorma.com – our not-for-profit research project.
So well done to the cheer squad of husbands and partners who understand the importance to women of being able to create their own businesses—and still have a life.
Valerie McDougall & Jayne Jennings
Jonathan & Lisa:
You always make us proud. We are happy to see you share with others the things that make for a good marriage, a good life and pass it on to the next generation.
Dad
Thanks for the kind words.
There has been a lot of chatter (witter?) about the appropriate word that can augment work-life. Balance isn’t wrong if people recognize it doesn’t have to be 50-50. But that doesn’t seem to happen. The other challenge is that the “right” ratio shifts – whether it is daily needs to at different points in one’s life or career. My company likes the term “work-life integration”.
In the meantime, let’s have more reverse cheers!
.-= Jon Prial´s last blog ..Work and Life – never separate anymore =-.
I love Jon’s blog and his important perspective. Although a mother electing to work at home with her children full time is of course also an enlightened choice
.
One of the inspirations I receive from Jon’s writing is that there are some men willing to be completely open about this. In my interviews, discussions and ongoing engagement with men in the work life balance conversation, my biggest challenge is having them go public. Really. “You can describe my situation, but don’t make it so specific that anyone will know it’s me.” Or, “I’ll say this, but I’ll use another name.” And these are younger men, who were raised with working mothers. So indeed, the generational shift required is monumental.
Valerie is so right about having a great partner and supportive marriage. Now the trick is to have these men who support their wives so avidly, do the same thing in their workplaces.
Finally, John, I love your thoughts on the terminology of balance. I use the term because it’s lingua franca of the discussion and because it represents to me and ebb and flow, cycles and seasons. I rarely think of it as a constant state. That would be boring. But nice on occasion.
Great post. Thanks so much.
.-= Chrysula Winegar´s last blog ..Work Life Stories: The Mother of Invention =-.
Great post. I do get to speak in person to many men who understand and are working on this work/life modeling for their children. And I agree. It is a work in progress. But there is progress!
Why would men embrace work/life issues, when they’ve never been taught it was important? One generation ago some moms worked, most did not. Almost all moms did the housework. Now most moms work, some do not. And with that comes changes in who does what at home. In the next generation I would be surprised if any husband “expects” his wife will stay home and raise the children. I think they will absolutely understand it is a discussion with choices to be made by all. Not bad progress at all.
I’m a female consultant who has spent lots of time in different companies across a variety of industries over the past 25 years. Years ago, based on what I saw, I used to think the work-life balance thing was mostly a woman’s problem: men just went about their business as men always had, while women had to figure things out if they wanted to work outside the home (remember folks, the women who choose to stay home are still working!). And, some women who worked full time outside the home couldn’t even discuss having children in the workplace for fear they’d be seen as somehow less dependable or too emotional (Oh no, what if one of her children gets sick? She might be distracted at work or worse, not show up for a few days).
Things are different in many places now, but I see the notion of “balance” becoming immensely complex. Sure, many companies have child care on site. And there’s telecommuting, flex time and job sharing. However, there’s also endless emails, Blackberries that are supposed to be on (and checked) 24/7, and a global marketplace just to name a few. I recently learned a female client has two Blackberries: one is for all the personal calls and email, the other for work calls and email. Furthermore, she sleeps – yes, sleeps – with the work Blackberry because they have clients in many foreign locations with varying time zones, and the company makes a product that is quite delicate and new – when employees or customers have questions, the answers can’t wait. Someone has to answer, and she’s the one. Aside from the obvious question of “Can’t this be shared?” (the answer is complex), to me it is one illustration of how balance for future generations is becoming a real conundrum. If the boundaries between “the work me” and “the non-work me” continue to soften, what will happen?
Dianne, I think social media has been largely responsiblke for eroding the boundaries between our work and personal lives. Where does one’s personal Facebook account end, and our professional networking start? Should we be talking about our kids on our professional blogs and sites? Everyone does these days.
How do we ask about work and family arrangements in a job interview without revealing that we have kids or family commitments?
As someone who works full time (telecommute from a home) there is no boundary anymore between work and family.
Julie
I just want to share with all how hard some of our inbred cultural “norms” are. My wife and I also share much of the driving — maybe she even drives more than I do when we are together. It took me YEARS to get comfortable getting out of the passenger side when she was driving. I always thought people were judging me.
Now I’m fine with it. And in our spirit of appropriate balance, I am always the one pumping the gas while she’s at the wheel. Hmmm…..
.-= Jon Prial´s last blog ..MomstoWork =-.
So the idea is to eliminate all gender differences? Is heterosexuality to be outlawed next as just another “cultural norm” to be discredited? Are we still allowed to wear different clothes? Speaking of clothes, I guess we have to keep them on, because if we take them off, certain gender differences may become evident and we can’t have that can we?
So it’s “enlightened” to expect women to work outside the home? Okay, well since we don’t allow any gender differences, then of course it must be equally “enlightened” to expect men to work outside the home, right? Actually, when anyone asserts that a man should work outside the home rather than stay at home, they’re criticized for being “unenlightened.”
Is it still acceptable to use the words “men” and “women” anymore, or is that another one of those “cultural norms” we have to get rid of? I guess it’s just “persons” from now on?
“the notion that most women should stay at at home isn’t completely gone.”
Really? Imagine that! How unenlightened. Well what do you think we should about such a terrible thing? I mean the idea that there are some persons who think women should stay at home is something that has to be destroyed. Can we put such believers in jail? Fine them? Put them in mental hospitals-because they’re obviously all demented.
I really like this post, I am writing a personal blog (it is in spanish) about finding my own balance in work&life with a boy of two and a non-macho husband (a really great partner in this journey). And finally i realize that the number one issue we need to work on is to change corporate cultures that allow women to stay home when the child is ill but does not the same when the father needs it, same thing with little important moments like birthdays and their first everything. Sometimes is culturally accepted o ask a woman about late work but they assume that men are always available. At least that is the way in Mexico and other latam countries happens. Thank you!
.-= Gabriela´s last blog ..Los Nuevos Papás (o papitos) =-.