“Mom, did you hold your dead babies?”

That’s what one of my sons asked recently when we were talking about why he and his twin brother don’t have other siblings.

No, I didn’t hold them. But his question made me wonder whether I should have, especially when it came to a baby I lost at 22 weeks who had Trisomy 18. I didn’t see her, or hold her, although I’d named her very early in the pregnancy.

Over my adult life,  I’ve had about nine failed pregnancies, including two sets of twins. Seriously, I’ve had so many miscarriages, I can’t even give an exact number.That sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, doesn’t it? “Did you hear the one about the woman
who … ?”

When Resolve, an organization designed to raise awareness of infertility,  contacted me to see if I’d write a post about infertility, I responded with a non-committal, “Yeah I might be able to do that.” Then I stewed, with memories flooding my brain.

I started trying to get pregnant when I was 37,  soon after moving to the United States so my spouse Peter could do a mid-career PhD.

My beautiful boys as babies, after a 7-year struggle with infertility

It didn’t take long to get pregnant. We were ecstatic. For a couple that had shied away from having children for so long (we’d been together for nearly seven years by then), we were quite giddy.

For 18 weeks or so, all was well until a routine ultrasound, ahead of the amniocentesis scheduled for a few weeks later.

The abrupt change in the x-ray technician’s demeanor alerted me to a problem.

Instead of the usual breezy exchange of gossip and informative tips, like “There’s her arm!!!”  or “Ooh, she’s moving a lot today,” she was brisk and formal, refusing to answer any more questions until “Doctor arrives.”

A few minutes later, he turned the scan around to show us exactly what he could see. The baby had Trisomy 18 and spina bifida, plus other deformities, with a very small chance of surviving. There was no need for the amniocentesis. It was clear our daughter wasn’t going to make it.

As we went down the lift, I saw Peter cry for the first and last time in the 21 years we’ve been together. He says the previous time was when he saw Charlotte’s Web as a boy. (I’m not going to discuss the next gruesome weeks. It’s too miserable to talk about. Still.)

About nine months later, I got pregnant again. I  lost the baby at nine weeks, miscarrying at a work conference in Delaware.

When Peter and I talked about infertility, we’d console ourselves that I got pregnant easily. (After all, I’d got pregnant at 30 within weeks of us getting to know each other.  That’s another story, better left untold.)

I wanted to see a fertility doctor immediately. But the doctors suggested I wait. Everyone had advice.  “Just try a bit longer on your own.”  “Everyone miscarries … or more people do than you think. “  “We know about them these days because of the early pregnancy test.”

I wanted to see an expert. Peter thought I was rushing. Our usual dance.

Another miscarriage followed a year or later. By the third miscarriage, it was clear that I needed help.

By the time we moved to Washington DC, I was 40.  Very, very belatedly, I went to see a local fertility clinic, Shady Grove. Over the next few years, we tried nearly everything, with me getting pregnant and losing babies along the way … years of having sex to schedule, the repeated cycle of needles, latex, endless trips to the doctor, hope, pregnancy tests, blood, tears, etc.

The routine developed three things in me:

• An inability to ever get embarrassed again by anything to do with my body ( I had a whole medical class staring one day while the doctor did an internal exam. I was fine with that but pissed that they didn’t introduce themselves.)
• A serious allergy to latex, and
• A reputation as a hard stick (getting blood for tests sometimes required being stuck all over).

These days, it makes me angry when I hear people talking of infertility as being a failure to conceive. Infertility is also a failure to carry a baby to term.

That was me.

Seven years after we started trying to have a baby, I had my beautiful twins at Sibley Hospital in DC.

It had taken nine pregnancies, a shitload of fertility drugs imported from Italy to cut costs,  much heartache, too many discussions with insurance companies to mention and thousands of dollars.

The boys were just under 39 weeks, weighed 6lbs 9 oz and 6 lbs 11 oz and did better on the Apgar Score than any other children in the HISTORY of the WORLD. They were and are beautiful, funny, smart children. I was a few weeks shy of 44, quietly happy that I’d managed to pop them out at 43. It sounded so much less ancient than 44 for a first-time mom.

So when Resolve’s public relations person asked me to write a post urging you to seek help early if you are having trouble conceiving, I couldn’t stay quiet, although writing this hurts. If your screen is blurry, blame my tears.

If you know me in real life, you’ll know that urging people to see a fertility doctor or seek help if they’re having trouble getting pregnant is something I do in person all the time. Even now, I wince at the memory of me — after a few wines at a work function — urging a young male colleague with a beautiful, much older girlfriend to stop delaying, and do IT now.

Many of my friends have kept my favorite doctor,  Eric Widra at Shady Grove Fertility Clinic, in expensive vacations.

At one stage, we joked about naming our twins, now 8 years old, EricA and EricB  (you know, like twin A and twin B?). We thought better of it.

My story does have a happy ending. No children could be more wanted or more delightfully lovable and infuriating.

A handful of my friends didn’t end up as parents. Some waited too long, thinking it was just a matter of time and that they’d keep trying by themselves.

Others waited too long to seek help, and by the time they got it,
the only options were too difficult, too expensive or just involved too, too much risk or heartache (there’s no shortage of that when you face infertility.)

I was also lucky to have plenty of support and fellow travelers along the Infertility Route. Because so many of my friends had  delayed having children, many of us were facing similar situations.

At one stage, it seemed like we talked of nothing else but my sucky eggs, B’s attempt to convince her husband to adopt, C’s decision to try a donor, D’s latest horror miscarriage, E’s long, long wait to adopt, F’s poor sperm count, E’s lack of motility, F’s attempts to get pregnant via the turkey baster option and G’s insurance, which didn’t cover fertility treatment.

1 in 8 couples of childbearing age are infertile

According to Resolve, many people suffer through infertility in silence and feel stigmatized. Yet once you start talking, you’ll realize you are not alone:

As Resolve site says: “Infertility is a disease, and if you have been diagnosed, you are not alone. According to The Center for Disease Control and Prevention, more than 7.3 million Americans, or 1 in 8 couples of childbearing, age are infertile.”

That certainly was my experience. After I started talking to my friends and family about infertility, it seemed as many people were having trouble conceiving as were getting pregnant. (You don’t see ghosts when you miscarry but babies and pregnant women everywhere you go at every time of the day and night.)

Resolve’s definition: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system often diagnosed after a couple has had one year of unprotected, well-timed intercourse, or if the woman has suffered from multiple miscarriages and the woman is under 35 years of age. If the woman is over 35 years old, it is diagnosed after 6 months of unprotected, well-timed intercourse.

If you are having troubles conceiving, or carrying a baby to term, don’t delay. You can get info from Resolve or watch a PSA by news anchor Giuliana Rancic and her husband, entrepreneur and The Apprentice season one winner Bill Rancic, are collaborating with RESOLVE and Fertility LifeLines™ to  help couples who may be experiencing or may experience issues in the future.

A few things couples should keep in mind:

• See a fertility specialist as soon as possible to get evaluated, learn about fertility and determine potential treatment options.
• If you’re under the age of 35 and have been trying to conceive for a year or more, or are over the age of 35 and have been trying for six months, see a fertility specialist now in order to potentially reduce the chance of frustration later.

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