Is there any uglier expression than Trailing Spouse?

This is part of a series about relocating a family internationally, called What I’ve Lost, What I’ve Gained, for BlogHer’s month of blogging.

What do you call a woman or a man who follows her spouse as he or she relocates for work, often sacrificing a career and identity? These spouses pack up the family, leave their friends and relatives behind, quit jobs, book clubs and gyms, and travel from one city or country to another, and traverse continents, time zones and cultures.

Trailing spouse is the most common term. It is the technical expression used by relocation experts. But it is one of the ugliest phrase you’ll hear, alive with meaning. For me, it always brings to mind the snail, whose head pops out ahead of the shell, leaving a slimy, glistening trail in his wake, which somebody (oh yeah, the trailing spouse) has to clean up.

Yet trailing spouse is what I’ve been and become over the past 16 years. And for 16 years, I’ve wanted for a better expression.

While I’ve been lucky enough to work full-time, unlike many of my fellow trailing spouses, my career was shaped by my partner’s. When he moved to Philadelphia, I did. I could’ve said no, but I didn’t.

Our trail led from Canberra, Australia, to Philadelphia, USA, where the aforementioned spouse was doing a mid career doctorate in economics. The trail then went south to DC, where he got a job. Then, just as we were settling into a routine in a new house with our then three year old twin boys, our trail took a detour to Paris, where I was unable to work.

“Paris!” you say, “That’s no sacrifice.”

But in Paris and around the world, I’ve met many women and some men who had full careers in their own countries, but could no longer work in the new city because of rules, regulations, language or logistics.

They waved their spouses off to a new, often exciting, job; unpacked the bags and the boxes; settled their kids into new schools;  then found the supermarket, the post office, a doctor, etc.; and arranged to get the phone, internet, TV installed and connected.

After all that, they thought? “What the f..k do I do now?” (For me, the next question was “And how do I say that in French?”)

Got a better term than trailing spouse?

What do YOU call a woman or a man who follows her spouse around the world, often sacrificing their jobs, careers and sanity?

My contenders?

• Love sick
• Idiot
• Saint
• Selfless
• Acolyte
• Relocation expert
• International logistical planner, or
• CEO/international ops

Have you been through this? How did you survive?

We’re back in Sydney now for good, a trail I was happy to take. But here I am, kids off at school, spouse happy in his new job, at home thinking about when and where to work. The same old problems with identity (who am I when I am not working?), etc.

I think my time as a trailing spouse is over. But to the rest of you out there, I thank you … for your service, patience and ability to negotiate new schools, supermarkets and do sub-par jobs taken just for the sake of working.

Image created using Wordle.

P.S. Definition for trailing spouse:

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